Avalanche is now tokenized funds, bank subnets and press releases. Retail left. Except us. It got so institutional that even the memecoin needed a compliance department. We are the world's first regulated* retard. Our strategy: buy the top. Guidance unchanged.
Avalanche has RWAs, tokenized funds and bank subnets. What it didn't have was us. You're welcome.
Audited by a Big Four firm. We won't say which one. They don't know either.
Fixed. We tried to print more but forgot the password.
Not by choice. AvaxHook won't let us touch it. We checked twice. Sadly.
Legal advised us not to. We didn't ask what for.
Same as your last 14 bags, but at least we're honest about it.
Q1: Launch. Q2: Cope. Q3: Rebrand to AI. Q4: Rebrand back.
To our mothers. They're disappointed.
We have a guy. He checks the chart sometimes. Mostly when it's already too late.
We tried paying KOLs, but they wanted to be paid in a coin that goes up.
"Avalanche onboarded the banks. We onboarded your rent money."— The Managing Director, moments before being escorted out of the building
Enforced on-chain by AvaxHook. Frozen at launch. Not even we can change them, which, given our track record, is for the best.
2% of every buy gets shredded forever. Like a real bank before an audit, but on purpose.
1% of every trade gets locked into liquidity. The only reserve requirement we'll ever meet.
Bots get capped and taxed at launch. The only bots allowed at this firm are the founders.
Front-running is reserved for real banks. Here, it just fails.
Every serious institution has an ESG framework. So do we. Ours is just more honest.
Fully renewable. Regenerates every time you open the chart.
Our only social program. 100% of employees participate. Mostly at 4 AM.
We call it "governance" because the lawyers asked us to.
Carbon footprint: neutral. We offset it by never doing anything productive.
Positions are filled by whoever buys the most. No experience required. Experience discouraged.
| Seat | Title | Qualifications |
|---|
Official communications from RETARD Inc. Approved by nobody.
We're an equal opportunity employer. Everyone loses equally.
5+ years of holding experience required. Must be able to watch a chart go to zero without blinking. Bonus points if you still say "it's just a dip".
Apply (buy)Must be comfortable saying "gm" to people who just lost everything. Must never, under any circumstances, say "wen".
Apply (buy)Core responsibility: not reading this website. Prior experience at a crypto exchange preferred.
Apply (buy)Oversee our first physical branch. Manage the table, the chair, and the customer's feelings. Napkins provided.
Apply (buy)Explain to investors where their money went. Strong storytelling skills required. Fiction background a plus.
Apply (buy)Identify risks. Ignore them. Repeat. Must be comfortable signing things you haven't read.
Apply (buy)Customer support hotline: press 1 to cope. Press 2 to seethe. Press 3 to buy more. All lines route to option 3.
40 pages of institutional-grade research. Abridged.
Intentionally left blank for legal reasons.
p. 2–39Yes.
p. 38Enjoy your 0.01% savings account. We'll send you a postcard from the top.
Allocate Capital